Adventures and birthdays

I have one regret today: I regret not getting pictures of every single thing we've done the last couple of weeks. It has been such a whirlwind and in moments where I wasn't totally exhausted or at my wit's end, I was living the moments to the fullest and just being present as much as I possibly could at the time. So no photos. But let me just tell you!

Last week was just the busiest! Monday we had a get-together to celebrate Kaitlyn's birthday over dinner at our house. It was a mess of I-can-come, I-can't-come, I-can-come-again, changes of plans regarding time for this dinner party, location for this dinner party, what to serve at this dinner party, crisis over the cake, and Chad was even told at the last minute that he'd be working that night! Talk about throwing a wrench into all of those plans. It felt like such insanity and I think -- I hope -- it all came together in the end and I really feel like Kaitlyn, at least, had a wonderful evening with the family members who were able to attend!!

Normally after big events like that, we like to take the next day to just relax and take it easy. This particular Tuesday, we couldn't relax at all! We would be helping our dear friend Betty move to Virginia very early Wednesday morning, so we picked up the moving truck, packed the moving truck, then went home to pack our own bags and get a couple of hours of shut-eye.

One AM Wednesday and we're up and already on the road! A few last-minute additions to the truck hold us up, and we aren't even out of town until 3:30. We arrive in Richmond, VA around 10am, unload the truck, have a few moments of goodbye with our sweet friend, then back on the road. Can you believe we were home by 11pm, meaning we did all of that moving and driving in about 20 hours?! Now can you blame me for not being able to take a second to take photos of all of the beauty that we passed?? We've already decided we're going back to visit and give Virginia the time and attention it deserves. Kaitlyn is so excited for our next adventure.

This "weekend" was a lot more low-key. We celebrated Kaitlyn's actual birthday Monday with cookies after breakfast, a trip to the park, and the zoo, and dinner out together as a family. It was still a full day out, it seemed like, so today we did nothing except stay home, play games, tickle-fight, and laugh together. It was such a joyful day.

Caleb's birthday is now less than a month away, and mine is a couple of days before that. Chad's already hinted that he's got plans up his sleeves to celebrate mine, but I don't know what to do for Caleb.  Chad's said that a party isn't necessary, but understands why I like to have them. Truthfully, despite given my social anxiety, I love having get-togethers to celebrate the lives of the people I love. If it's silly to have a big dinner party for a one-year-old, then let it be silly: I relish the idea of getting photos and making memories for them to hold onto and cherish years down the road. This time, though, I feel like I'd rather we make some really amazing memories than have a party, but what do you all think??

Some thoughts about birth

Allow me a few minutes just to get this out. It's something I've been holding on for almost a year now .. almost a year. Caleb turns 1 on October 15. So it's been almost a year, and friends, family, I confess ... I am still so deeply hurt by the experiences during my labor with him and the days following his birth.

Labor started on my birthday. I sat on my bed, breathing through hard, regular contractions, and I thought: This is exactly how I wanted this to happen. I felt so relieved and so blessed that my body had started labor on its own, that maybe things would be different, this time, maybe better this time. And I guess it was then, right in that moment, that I was setting myself up for failure, disappointment, and months of beating myself up over things I probably had absolutely no control over.

As I type this, I am sobbing. I feel this lump forming in my throat coming up from this sick feeling in my stomach. I hate that I'm saying this. I hate feeling this way. I hate not counting my every single blessing, every single day, because I am so very fortunate. I can feel sick about this labor but who am I to complain? Mom of three, pregnant each time so easily, no struggle, easy pregnancies. Who am I to complain?

But still, this pain is so real. After labor began on my birthday and I had those wonderful feelings of accomplishment so early on, going to the hospital too early and being sent home, and waking up the next morning to my water breaking on my bedroom floor and meconium in the fluid.

What did I do wrong? Should I have insisted that I be kept at the hospital? What could have changed this??

At the hospital, I could sense the worry in the nurses. I delivered with my midwife group before and I saw the midwife so often during that labor. This time, I saw her hardly at all. What was the difference? Was she worried, too? Was she frustrated that my contractions weren't picking up on their own, and that we'd use pitocin, and that after not being able to get equipment to work properly, I'd give into my own frustrations and ask for an epidural? Did I disappoint her? Was she just having a bad day?

Caleb was born and had complications. Everyone left the room, including my husband .. I sat in the room in utter shock, completely paralyzed with fear. What was happening with my baby? Would he be okay? Did I do this to him? Could I have prevented this?

And I sat in that bed, unable to move because of the epidural, because of all of the wires still attached to me, and no one was there. My baby was just taken from me and I sat there entirely alone, empty and alone.

And I guess, ultimately, what I am saying here is that I still feel that way. I still feel damaged, I still feel like I did something wrong, I still feel like I could have prevented it and like the 13 days he spent in the NICU hooked up to wires hearing one conflicting story after another were something that, as his mother, I should have been able to foresee and prevent. I dropped the ball, it's my fault. I should have fought harder, I should have insisted that things be done differently. I should have been his advocate and my own advocate.

I can't feel these things without the guilt following it. Why am I even complaining? I did bring my son home eventually. His little room in the NICU sat beside incubators with tiny babies who spent much longer there. I can't think these thoughts without also recognizing how very lucky we have been with Caleb. I get to see him grow and learn and smile and I get to hear his laughs, his beautiful, infectious laughs.

He is still with me and his magnificent laughter is for me. Maybe I did fail at his birth somehow, but I will not fail here.

What's a year?

          Forgive me if I’m everywhere.

          I was just looking through old pictures. Our power is out. The kids are napping. Without the hum of electronics on standby and the quiet whirr of the aquarium, the house is utterly quiet except for the ticking clocks. I am sitting here alone in the silence and almost total darkness with my thoughts.

          And my phone.

          I started browsing through it, looking at months going on over a year of photos. You’d think, at this age, by this point in life, a year wouldn’t seem like much. But these photos show something different.

          What’s a year? The arrival of a third child. A pregnancy ending in bittersweet joy with a birth followed by extra doctors, panic, and a two week long NICU stay. Then nursing sessions, bottles, beginning to smile. Learning to hold things, learning to play, learning to crawl. It’s new teeth – six of them, in fact. It’s growing out of size after size of clothes and shoes. It’s crushed crackers completely covering our living room floor. It’s learning to stand, then to cruise, then starting to stand on your own. Then it’s a 4 mile walk on mama’s back, endless snuggles in her arms, and all of the kisses. All of them.

          What’s a year? A second child’s blossoming from baby into boy. It’s going down slides on your own, swinging on your own. It’s so very much mud. It’s becoming more social, more brave, more vocal. It's blocks and trucks and a giant cardboard playhouse. It’s becoming a jokester who can make everyone laugh with seemingly little effort. It's your first haircut, first trip to the aquarium, first dental visit, first time going to church. It’s becoming best friend to a new brother and a big sister, all at once. It’s many trips to the zoo, the lake, and long journeys to visit family. Going to parks, going on walks, splashing through puddles, wading rivers, and hiking through mountains on your own two feet this year. It’s becoming the child who wants book after book after book at bedtime, and being indulged in every single one.

          What’s a year? A first child’s transformation from toddler into independent, inquisitive preschooler. It’s making countless new friends, joining new church groups, and engaging in conversation with anyone you happen across. It’s baking with mama, vacuuming with daddy, and making the most glorious couch cushion forts with your little brothers. It’s learning to count, learning to share, learning letters and numbers, learning colors, shapes, and places on the map. It's Play Doh, paint, and markers. And slime .. oh, the slime! It's creature powers, ponies, and "Octonauts: to your stations!" It’s the joy of an automatic carwash, the misfortune of a bad battery on your way home, and that feeling of safety that brand new tires can bring. It’s beginning to know what you want, and also what others want, and often even getting more satisfaction from helping others than from helping oneself. It’s becoming the most thoughtful little girl and making mama and daddy so proud. It’s coming up on your 4^th birthday … Your *fourth* birthday.

          What's a year? So much laughter, so many tears, so much joy, and endless love. 

          What a blessing to have all of this.

Tuesday Tidbits

It has been a truly delightful "weekend" for us! Monday was, once again, very rainy. We spent a little time outside, drawing with chalk in the rain and eating popsicles, and had a brief run over to Nana and Gran's house, but nothing terribly fancy.

Here's a little recap of Tuesday:

The bigger kids played Yahtzee with Chad during lunch, while Caleb napped.

Then we all went to Century Park, where Elias and Kaitlyn shared the tire swing ...

... before cooling off by running through the great misting stations.

On the way home from the park, Kaitlyn noticed that the moon was out (despite it being daytime). She then suddenly made a proclamation:

Kaitlyn: I have to pee!
Kelly: I have to go to the MOON!
Kaitlyn: Nooooo, Mommy, we can't go to the moon! The car can't fly!
Chad: How do you know??
Kaitlyn: Because it doesn't have WINGS!

This lead to a delightful conversation over dinner about things that can fly that don't have wings, the difference between soaring and flying (say, kites), and what the moon is made out of (powder and cotton candy).

And now, as I sit here and update, Kaitlyn and Elias are napping, and Caleb is chattering away, recapping me on how his day went, while snacking on some Cheerios.

Until next time!

A Few Fun Days

As the title suggests, it's been a few fun -- and busy -- days since my last update! We've learned over time that the weekdays pass more quickly as long as we always have something to do -- something big, something little, whatever we're all in the mood for!

Friday started pretty simply. Kaitlyn helped Gram update the calendar for the month and then had some Kaitlyn-Daddy play time over a game of Chutes and Ladders.

As you can see, it was a "leftovers" lunch date!

After the kids were all up for their nap, they were begging to go to the park. It was between the Airport Park and Century Park, but as I was not very impressed with Airport Park the last time we were there (before the expansion), Century Park won out. I love their massive, sprawling wooden structures. It was too cool of a day for their water sprayers, and the sandboxes were flooded from the rain, but the kids still managed to really enjoy themselves.

Kaitlyn had a slightly nervous moment when we realized that there are active train tracks very nearby. She was startled by the train blowing by, right on the other side of the playground! After a few seconds of nervousness, she became enraptured by the train, watching it the whole time as it passed through the trees!

Caleb had a hard time resisting eating the mulch, but he had a great time watching his siblings play!

We're still working on clearing out our fridge and pantry rather than shopping, so I scrounged around Friday night to find ingredients for makeshift "alfredo" to serve with pasta and broccoli, with pork chops. The sauce was made with none other than Happy Farms cheese wedges, parmesan, and garlic, and turned out wonderfully.

Saturday, we kept it simple. We stayed home except for a quick run for craft supplies for Sunday's project, and had some fun time with watercolors, fingerpaint, and crayons. I covered the table in paper for easy clean-up.

Kaitlyn was a big fan of painting, but Elias preferred to goof around!

Our project for Sunday came courtesy of a Pinterest search for "preschool sensory activities." After browsing through what seemed like thousands of options, we settled for having a "Slimy Sunday" and used this recipe. It involves about equal amounts of water, white school glue (like Elmer's), and liquid starch ($2 for a gallon, on the laundry aisle). We mixed up two batches -- one blue with glitter, and one that was meant to be purple but ended more like pink. 

Elias was not wild about the slime at first, and took some time to warm up to it. Kaitlyn, naturally, could not get enough of squishing it, stretching it, and even burying crayons in it. 

One lesson we learned: our usual method of covering the table in paper to keep it clean is a BAD idea when you're playing with slime. The slime simply sticks to the paper, whereas it's quite easy to pick up off of the wood table. Clean-up is pretty simple, though -- the mixture dissolves quickly in water, so it's just a warm-water rinse off for the furniture, kids, and clothes. Another lesson: don't forget to store this in an airtight container! I completely spaced and left it in bowls on the table overnight, and it formed a tough film on top. We were able to recover it by mixing it all together (film and all) in a bag, but I imagine if you aren't careful and leave it for too long, you might not be able to save it in the end. I highly recommend this activity!! One thing to keep in mind, the glue might be non-toxic but the liquid starch in it is not something kids should eat. Kaitlyn had no trouble resisting but I could tell Elias was fighting hard to resist the temptation to taste it!

And now, as I write this, the kids are outside with Chad drawing with chalk on the patio, eating popsicles. We'll be heading out in a bit for the park, which one, we are unsure of .. 

Until then!

Rained Out

Our objective for the day was a fun morning with cloud dough and a fun evening at the baseball game. The second part of our day, we realized early on, would have to be changed. It had been pouring all night and storms were in the forecast for the next 24 hours. There would be no baseball this evening, but no worries!

We took to the internet to find something to celebrate today. Upon finding that it's National Chili Dog Day, we decided if we had to change our evening activity plans, we'd also change up dinner. I had beef stew in the crock pot, but that could be saved for tomorrow. Instead, chili dogs! That also meant we'd have to make a grocery store run.

First, though, we wanted to have a little bit of fun. A little prep-work on my part last night left us with something various bloggers on Pinterest call "Cloud Dough." It's a simple mix of 1 part baby oil with 8 parts flour. You can add food coloring if you wish, for colored dough, but we opted out this time. I wasn't comfortable letting Caleb play with this mixture this time (baby oil is not safe for consumption, and I know he'd have found it tempting!) so we scheduled this play-time for during his morning nap.  After covering the table in paper, the kids went to town -- building, smashing, and squishing the morning away!

Kaitlyn's favorite part was making big walls with towers in between, then flattening them down in one fell swoop!

Elias seemed to just love the texture of it; he squished the cloud dough between his fingers and buried his hands in it.

They played for a while, then had a nap, then we went on the grocery store run. The kids helped me prepare dinner. Elias was in charge of carefully picking the stems from the grapes that went alongside their chili dogs. Kaitlyn used a plastic knife to help me cut the banana and cheese stick into sharing-sized pieces. Caleb mostly stayed out of the way, which naturally is always a wonderful help in the kitchen.

Are these not the cutest plates? They were only $3 at Target!

After dinner, a great first-time experience: we made s'mores with these large square marshmallows I found on clearance at Target last week. It was a horrific mess for Elias, who ended up wearing more than he ate, but it was an utter delight for them both. The clean-up was more than worth it!

Before the worst of it ...

After a quick bath, we read the usual favorites: Elias went with I Love You, Stinkyface by Lisa McCourt and Kaitlyn chose Wild Sea Creatures: Sharks, Whales, and Dolphins! by Martin Kratt and Chris Kratt.

Now, all that's left is for me to catch up on Big Brother, then hit the sack myself. (Do you watch it?? Were you happy with who went home? Did America's Players accept the challenge??)

What's up for tomorrow?? Maybe we'll celebrate Rounds Resounding Day by learning a few new tunes, or perhaps make a raspberry cream pie to celebrate Raspberry Cream Pie Day? And I'm positive the kids will want to hit up the park, or the zoo, or ... ? I can't wait to find out what pans out!

Until then!

A New Mission

I've battled back and forth with myself for quite some time now over blogging. I used to keep an online journal, back when Opendiary and Livejournal were in their prime. Both have withered away, or at least they have in my mind. I haven't written on either in a decade, it feels like. That might not be much of an exaggeration.

Now, it comes to me as being not just useful, but necessary. Documenting the day-to-day activities of my family is, to me, essential. I want to be able to look back on our completely average lives -- just pick some random day to look back on -- and see each of the days of our history as being as beautiful, meaningful, and utterly special that they truly are. And more importantly, I want my children to be able to look back on these days, too. Through this text, through these photos, they can see who they were, who their siblings were, who their mother and father were, and how all of these things, these people, these events shaped them into what they will become.

I invite you all on our journey, in "all our days."

Welcome.